Missing the Sun
by thnxforthefish42
Summary: Jay's life post 'Secret'. songfic. oneshot. rated for MILD language.


Decyfer Down owns the lyrics to the song 'burn back the sun' and anything else. Someone else owns Degrassi and all it's affiliates. enjoy. I'm actaully working on another songfic featuring Decyfer Down, based on Jay and Spinner's fight in "Redemption Song" :)fishy

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_I take a walk in the bitter cold, _

_I try to see your face, _

_And the way it used to be, _

_The sky was never gray._

Jay wandered aimlessly across the abandoned train track. He pulled his jean jacket tighter around him and crossed his arms across his chest to keep in warmth. He wished he had a cigarette, but his stash was at Alex's and he figured it wasn't safe to go there, at least not yet. Oddly enough, the lack of cigarettes made him angry. He felt like punching something. He wanted to fight someone, punch something, and therefore solve his problems. He wanted to blame someone for the fact that his life sucked, but, as clichéd as it sounded, he had no one to blame but himself.

_There was a time when I let you in, _

_You turned my night to day, _

_But I turned you away._

Ultimately, however, it was entirely his fault. _He_ was the one who cheated on Alex. _He_ was the one who had…done things…with Emma. _He_ was the one who had gotten himself expelled. _He_ was the one who had had the idea to humiliate Rick. Even the 'prize' bracelets had been his idea. But Sean left, Alex dumped him, and Emma wanted nothing to do with him. His only friends were the bottom-feeding ravine-dwelling high-school-drop-out junkies like himself.

_Burn back the sun, _

_Bring back the fire wands, _

_Blazing inside this hollow cage, _

_Burn back the sun, _

_You were the only one, _

_To love me with passion's quiet rage_

Well, they could rot in hell for all he cared, Jay though angrily, kicking at some loose gravel. His thoughts of his past mistakes had sombered him, though, and he was not so angry now as dispirited.

_I have tasted the apathy, _

_It's bitter on my lips, _

_I am not who I used to be, _

_Betrayal with a kiss, _

_Open mouth for the prodigal, _

_You kept the flame alive, _

_You keep this flame alive._

Alex… he could live without Alex, although he would miss the knowledge of her presence in his life. As dynamic as their relationship seemed to other people, always fighting, arguing, breaking up and making up again, he always knew that he and Alex would be together- until now. But Alex was rightfully angry at him. They had both been unfaithful from time to time, especially during fights and break-ups. This time however, his actions had been unprovoked, uncalled-for, and he had crossed a line in a big way. Jay wanted to make things up with her, but didn't know if he'd _ever_ be able to.

Sean… Sean had been his best friend, his closest confidant. Although if anyone ever asked, Jay would laugh it off, saying he barely cared a rat's ass about the goody-goody turned gangster. It was a guy thing, really. But Sean had picked his family over Jay in the worst way possible. They never argued or fought just quietly lost contact. Sean was gone – Jay had helped him leave. Jay had driven him to his parents' house, listened in disbelief as he declared he was staying in Wasaga, gathered up the tearful Ellie and silent Emma, and drove home.

_Burn back the sun, _

_Bring back the fire wands, _

_Blazing inside this hollow cage, _

_Burn back the sun, _

_You were the only one, _

_To love me with passion's quiet rage_

Emma…Emma had probably surprised Jay the most. Jay had first just teased Emma to annoy her, and because he was bored. Then it became a game to him, to see how long it took to annoy her. His prize in this 'game' was that she was cute when she became flustered. After the shooting Jay invited her to the ravine only to fluster her some more, and to scare her a little. He never dreamed she'd actually show up, let alone ask about the van, or enter it- twice. Jay surprised himself with his own reaction when he heard Emma say that she didn't care about Jay being with Alex. Jay realized he was happy she said this. He was also crushed that same afternoon when she said she never wanted to speak to him again. Jay realized he loved Emma. He loved Alex too, but his love for Alex was steady and constant, he knew he'd love Alex in 20 years the same way he did today. With Emma though, it was like a sudden, intense onslaught to his senses. He wanted her that moment, and didn't care the consequences, which had gotten him into trouble in the first place.

_Burn back the sun, _

___Bring back the fire wands, _

___Blazing inside this hollow cage, _

___Burn back the sun, _

___You were the only one, _

___To love me with passion's rage, _

___Quiet rage_

Jay let out a breath of warm, cloudy air into the crisp evening sunset. He looked around at the desolate landscape and tried not to cry. Never would anyone ever see Jay Hogart _cry_. He was hardly ever honest with anyone, least of all himself. He always shied away from the important, the serious, the real. He always believed that fun came first, and consequences never. Or, if unavoidable, than at least fourth, or something. But even Jay could not deny the fact that he missed his girl, his school, and the people knew. He missed his friends. He missed his life.

_Rage, quiet rage._


End file.
